reminded me that it existed.
100 Things I made up about myself.
1. I'm a Russian pool boy
2. I invented 1976
3. My favorite object to use in sexual intercourse is a karate chop
4. I directed and starred in "The House of Whipcord".
5. My blood cells have machine guns named "Bradley".
6. I have the mouth AIDS.
7. I have a pet satellite.
8. It's name is " Shut-up-a-saurus".
9. I'm a solid ghost.
10. I've collected 700 various types of Navy Seals.
11. They all like to give me the finger.
12. I created the character of Leelee Sobieski
13. I play her on all her talk show appearances
14. The rest is just really badly done CGI
15. Also I write all her shitty poetry
16. Mostly when I'm smashed on Robotussin, cable TV, and megaphone crooning.
17. I overdosed on the state of Texas.
19. I was arrested for driving.
20. My base of operations is called "The Crimetower".
21. If you press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. I'll tap your genitalia
with a hammer.
22.My brain was removed by Leonardo Da Vinci and replaced with the season 2 scripts for "Undeclared".
23. And also cream cheese.
24. On Monday, Wednesday and sometimes Sundays I dress up as szechwan chicken and DJ truckers’ birthday parties.
25. Everything I've ever said has been dubbed by Michael J. Fox
26. I also invented the boner.
27. I've discovered that whenever I play miniature golf I pass out.
28. And often find myself waking up in the dairy case at my local convenience store.
29. I am often referred to as the founder of "The Toothless Dads of America".
30. I've gone by the name Regina Hansen.
31. And I was terrific in bed.
32. Back when I worked at Schnucks myself and a friend of mine carved a penis out of a potato and walked around with it hanging out of our respective pants.
33. Number 32 was true.
34. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that he was dead. My grandfather I mean not Abraham Lincoln.
35. My middle name is "Fancy".
36. If I'm forced to throw shit, I'll aim to the side.
37. "That's not funny. My mom lost her sense of smell in a riding accident." Isn't the funniest thing I've ever heard come out of another human being's mouth.
38. I like Star Wars.
39. I own all the classic Pauly Shore movies. On Laserdisc.
40. I told MTV that music videos are passé and that the Real World is what the kids want.
41. I'm actually Ice T.
42. The drink. Not the rapper/actor.
43. I've fought 75 men to the death.
44. No one was injured.
45. I have beer and brats 3 times a day.
46. Across my navel the phrase "Two-Bit Hussy" is tattooed in old English.
47. I've hunted several refrigerators in their natural habitat.
48. Dennis Miller. Yeah, that shits all my fault.
49. I adopted 17 year old girl.
50. Doing math comes easily to me.
51. If you stare at the liner notes to Kool Keith's "Lost In Space/Black Elvis" album, you'll eventually see me on a pogo stick just, ya know, kicking it.
52. I projectile vomit concrete.
53. Every mirror in my house is made up of stained glass.
54. I hang out at baby showers.
55. Yakov Smirnoff used to get smashed and try to feel each other up.
56. My right arm is made out of the Pythagorean Theorem.
57. I have photographs of Bob Crane on the toilet.
58. They were given to me by as a joint Christmas present from JFK and Joe Stalin, when they lived on the moon together.
59. In high school I was voted "most likely".
60. I watched the shit out of it.
61. I graduated from Awesome College.
62. I made a man out of; mashed potatoes, pasta and beaten up pairs of Adidas shell tops.
63. I have Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
64. Attached to the back of my legs.
65. I double dared the Pope.
66. I only wear Umbro shorts, flip-flops, and a handlebar mustache
67. I'm what the world would sound like if Jack Kirby drew it.
68. I was the inspiration for Scream.
69. But not Scream 2 or 3.
70. More often than not I'm found about town getting handjobs and buying new rims for my jeep.
71. I was born without and abdomen.
72. Instead I have a very large combination lock.
73. I have 9 lives.
74. All of them have been spent "looking for a thug girl".
75. I played 2nd backup clarinet on Green Days "When I come Around".
76. My parents were going to name me Milo Von Tabledance
77. Instead they named me Freud G-String.
78. I've done stand-up comedy under the stage name Kenny Yung.
79. Who happens to be an Asian business man, who thinks that americans eat too many cheeseburgers.
80. Last Thursday I was caught dropping science.
81. I just left it there.
82. My college thesis was on the intensely debated theory that "Reading is for kids who can't play football."
83. I got a C+ on it.
84.I'm probably not a hypochondriac
85. In college my major was "flipping on things."
86. I minored in shoelaces.
87. I've propped dead bodies against the wall.
88. But only for profit, never for recreation.
89. I was born with an irrational fear of couches.
90. I'm married to the sea.
91. Until we got in this huge fight about Tom Hanks.
92. Because I'm hispanic, I love tacos.
93. I started a No Fear knock-off brand called "Tuff Dad".
94. I don't fuck around.
95. When I reach 88 miles per hour I usually fall over.
96. My MC name is MC Fighter.
97. I bitchslapped television and told it to "Do better."
98. E! did an E! True Hollywood Story about me.
99. It was filled with lies.
100.My warranty has expired.
I'm getting really tired of looking at all this half-finished projects on my harddrive.
Which should, in theory, be no one's fault but my own. Last week, I made it halfway through the intial script for RED HORSE, which was nice but DISPOSABLE BOYS and BOANTHROPOLOGETIC both sit in various stages of completion. THE GUIDE TO FAST LIVINGSTON has yet to go through a massive rewrite.
Plus, I get keep getting sidetracked by either a new idea or the prospect of actual paying work (which 99% of the time falls through.)
My solution: Sleep less. Starting ..... NOW.